every. time.: A Poem

What is the first thing you notice?

The first indication that something’s wrong?

It makes your heart trip;

the lifeforce inside you freezes,

your mouth has two weights on each edge,

and your brow can’t seem to lift.

It’s the concern and fear

that borrows your breath

but it’s the constant circular commotion that steals it.

I might be insane.

but what if it’s all in my head?

That is insanity.

this questioning is making me insane.

I might be insane.

For me it’s the loss of time.

The realization makes me pause.

       The weights on my chest make themselves at home and 

settle.

The panic forces itself through my mouth in the form of a whisper

        no.

But then my jaw clenches

and I unfreeze.

I can’t shake it away,

still can’t make my brows lift

but I can drum life into my body

by letting it out

with a sigh

and a reminder

I’ve been here before

and I’ve survived

every.

time.

even though I know

the depth of the burrow can surprise

every. 

time.