Disappointed in my memory of you: A Poem

I was hailing a taxi 

on the corner of 8th

when I saw you from a distance

coming my way.

I was sure you wouldn’t stop 

to summon the blemished ghosts

of who we used to be

and the passing chance that was you and me.

No, you would just pass on by

and I’ll forget you were here

and the lifelike dream of you

will just disappear.

I wouldn’t have to socialize

with my ‘good riddance’ past

and I wouldn’t have to romanticize

my life since I saw you last.

I’m sure you wouldn’t need to

with your self-assured soul.

You have always strolled through life,

lazily eyeing the end goal.

But you always go.

You never fail to go.

Just when I wanted you

to be the same old you,

your eyes flash with recognition

and you paused before you flew.

And it’s all before me now:

hands in your pockets,

easy smile and a joke at the ready

to spear me like a casually aimed arrow. 

Is your secret weapon up now?

You saunter on the field

with a lick and a promise, but I 

always end up on defense somehow. 

I remember your face 

blank with compassion as I

fumble on display, you sitting 

on the sidelines a distant ally.

And you toss your arm

over my shoulder, lingering

across that curved line,

relishing in flirtatious innocence.

But I was at a loss.

I tried not to be at a loss.

Do you remember our moms

wanted us to marry

and we agreed

back before we were wary

of change and the pain

of being stuck in the firing range

of every harmless flirtation and

of aging out of our kevlar reign.

But you still approach everyone as

under a secret agreement 

and that’s how you approach me now

despite all this time and how

do you put me at ease 

so easily

and conduct my voice

so breezily.

I never before thought about

how you’d turn out

because you felt like home

and that’s all I cared to know.

But I always wanted the best for you.

I never knew what was best for you.

But I never figured you for

the type to stay

stagnant, in one place 

till you crumple in your flowered grave.

I took her for a temporary stray

but that was eight years ago

and you tell me you’re still together.

You and the friend of Monroe. 

How can you ever hope to grow

if all you want to know

are the same old people 

you knew nearly when you were fetal.

Fifty years from now,

will you still be there

in our old hometown

mingling with the same crew? 

You’re clinging to the past

while I try my best

to erase all traces.

I cringe to remember all past disgraces.

I charged at my future

disregarding what I’d known.

I didn’t even try to move on gracefully.

What comes is the only thing written in stone.

I promise I tried not to 

alienate my past.

Although did you even notice my leaving

after the vote was already cast?

Unlike me, everyone leaves you with a smile.

And I remember when I did too.

But now I leave

disappointed in my memory of you.